I've been lost. Lost down an infinite, meandering sea of darkness.
What we once termed 'the Rabbit Hole' took on an entirely new meaning once I became trapped inside.
What was initially meant to be a brief escape hatch grew binding the more frequently I stepped inside.
I began to lose my ability to speak eloquently, long held skills and beliefs fell to the yawning pit. Slowly, I grew numb to the most basic of a sensations.
The feeling of wind on my skin gave no joy. The sound of children laughing, no respite. Daylight meant nothing. Companionship and conversation grew to feel as sawdust between my lips.
Then, fear began to seep in.
My links to the outside world severed, weathered with time, eventually grew to frighten me. Those that once gave me comfort in my times of need, became painful reminders of the life I once lead.
The person I once was.
Even simple words grew taxing to conjure.
I because disoriented and confused even navigating roads I had known for nearly fifteen years. I would break into palm sweats and the shakes at the mere prospect of taking a walk in public.
I feared getting lost and not knowing how to find my way home.
When the better part of your life involves traveling and upheaval.. each new move became a source of dreaded necessity.
Survival was first, and foremost.
At my worst, I became trapped inside my own mind, staring blankly at the outside world. Internally screaming out for help from behind blank, glazed over eyes. A genuine smile became an achievement. Even the presence or lack of food available stopped provoking any kind of response.
For someone who prided herself on, quite literally, being a Survivor, described as the 'Mouth of the South..'.. it was hell on Earth. One I couldn't escape from.
I won't detail the horrors of what I saw and went through during that time. Suffice to say, I saw enough to reevaluate what truly causes fear, pain, and evil. That's enough on that matter.
I began trying to destroy myself out of shame and desperation. Went mostly off my food and water, began to sleep large chunks of time, and examine my surroundings for methods to deeds I'd rather not repeat here.
For someone that knows how to end a life as many ways as I do, I sure failed more than I had any right to. Even in the state I was in.
Frantic, I began to research more inventive and tested forms. Those things no one dare teach out loud, for fear of being known to have that knowledge. Suffice to say, I now know more than I ever did on that subject matter.
Just short of the attempt at a method, done properly, with an 80-100% success rate, I had a visitor. One that I had met many times, an acquaintance on friendly terms with those still cared for me when I was incapable of doing so.
My... visitor very quietly and kindly pointed in the direction of a path I had overlooked many a time, where just the barest sliver of daylight could be seen shining in the distance.
"It's a long road, but if you're willing to walk it, I know how to get you on it safely. Do you still want to leave this place?"
I still haven't left the Other Side entirely. I'm not sure if I ever will. Experiences like this, places you tread through, some have a way of staying with you long after you physically leave. But.. the farther I set my feet along this path, the brighter the daylight shines.
The more I believe there is, indeed, a road out of the Under Land.