The smell of blood makes the hairs on the back of my arms stand up.
Distinct from all others.
The way I think.. My mindset. Broken
I can't even grasp it.
How can I expect you to?
This situation, this sharing of headspace with those damned birds.
You start to block out the details.
Slowly at first.
Then more, as time passes
The numbness
The screaming of the voices
The ever present feeling of coldness
The unending.. blankness. Of seeing the world in shades of grey, where nothing stands out, nothing breaks through.
Drowning mentally. Every day.
Begging for just one moment of air
To catch your breath
The small details that seep through
no matter what you do.
Having to turn your head away
to survive. just one more day.
The gut feeling that something is wrong
But if you acknowledge it...
Dare to even look in its direction
You give it power over you.
You can't fight it head on
Just wandering
In circles
Ever tightening patterns
Until.. One day.. You're looking it in the face.
And suddenly you can handle it
All at once
The delusions drop
Like window blinds come loose
Sunlight streaming in.
And.. It's ugly.
It's awful
But to live that way any longer
Is too hard.
...i have had visitors. Some Rabbits listened to my plea, it seems.
They rummage through my things
Like I can't hear them.
See them through the eyes of my ravens
But. I allow it. I play ignorant.
The invasion of privacy is.. worth it. To hear other voices here beyond my own. To not feel so alone anymore.
I try to stay to my room
Keep from scaring them
Pretend I am sleeping. Or gone.
It's not hard to hide in a closet when I hear them coming.
It's kinder to them, I think.
Tag is here.
He won't leave.
Even when I sicced my birds on him.
I turned them away from him at the last moment
In a whoosh of feathers and wind, they avoided attack or collision
But one of their talons hurt him
Made him bleed.
I cried then.
He knew better than to touch me.
To approach the mad woman
But.. It helps. Hearing him bitch
I had forgotten what his voice sounded like
I've secretly been helping with his paperwork
When he leaves for Sanctuary
Been leaving documents in rooms the Rabbits have chose for themselves
Trying to teach. To show. To help.
Give them what they need for them
To lead them further down the rabbit hole
Am I still your Red? Your Red Queen, blood spattered and smiling?
I don't know.
I don't know if I even deserve
To be called human
Or even Dia
I miss the days when I smiled
When I had friends I helped as a Gatherer
It was worth the risk.
They were worth dying for.
And now.. now that I want to die
No one will leave me alone
My mind wasn't built for this. These birds. This unholy infestation.
I am afraid of hurting them
Of climbing down from my tower of insanity and blood to greet them
Maybe that makes me a coward
I think I will sleep now.
Or try
I hear someone comi